Xaver Raymond Karpinski\’s Advices

A old pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!”
“What do you mean?” the old pirate replies, “I’m fine.”
The bartender says, “But what about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well,” says the pirate matey, “We were in a battle at sea against a enemy frigate and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”
“Yeah,” says the bartender, “But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in another pirate raid and we boarded the enemy galleon. I was in a sabre fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really.”
“Oh,” says the bartender, “What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes.”
“Well,” says the old pirate, “One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye.”
“So?” replied the bartender, “what happened? You couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird shit!”
“Well,” says the old pirate, “I really wasn’t used to the hook yet.”

Girl says to her Boyfriend: Now it is time we should marry.

Boy: That’s ok, but who will marry us?

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.
“Give me the box of matches” says one. “Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens.”
He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms…”No, no, don’t!”
The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? But he takes another match….
And now, a crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: “No, no, don’t do that!”
“It looks serious. What are they afraid of? But - we’re here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars.”
He strikes a match, which flames up, burns down, and….. nothing happens.
“Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?”
The leader of the Martians says, “Today is Shabbos!”